/** ; A Spaniard In The Works Lennon's Second Book

In order to understand The Beatles better, I think John's writing is a must read for any serious Beatle fan. The contents of John Lennon's second book, A Spaniard In The Works, is presented here for educational/research purposes only. Try to read between the lines. John was a fascinating person, and I so miss his wit and views on the world. His death was the worse thing that ever happened to me.


PURCHASE: A Spaniard in the Works

(c) John Lennon, 1965 


A Spaniard in the Works 
The Fat Budgie 
Snore Wife and some Several Dwarts 
The Singularge Experience of Miss Anne Duffield 
The Faulty Bagnose 
We must not forget the General Erection 
Benjaman Distasteful 
The Wumberlog (or The Magic Dog) 
Araminta Ditch 
The National Health Cow 
Readers Lettuce 
Silly Norman 
Mr Boris Morris 
Bernice's Sheep 
Last Will and Testicle 
Our Dad 
I Believe, Boot... 


Jesus El Pifco was a foreigner and he knew it. He had imigrate- 
ful from his little white slum in Barcelover a good thirsty year 
ago having first secured the handy job as coachman in Scotland. 
The job was with the Laird of McAnus, a canny old tin whom 
have a castle in the Highlads. The first thing Jesus EI Pifco 
noticed in early the days was that the Laird didn't seem to have 
a coach of any discription or even a coach house you know, 
much to his dismable. But - and I use the word lightly - the 
Laird did seem to having some horses, each one sporting a fine 
pair of legs. Jesus fell in love with them at first sight, as they did 
with him, which was lucky, because his quarters were in the 
actually stables along side his noble four lepered friends. 
  Pretty polly one could see Jesus almost every day, grooming 
his masters horses, brushing their manebits and hammering their 
teeth, whistling a quaint Spanish refrain dreaming of his loved 
wombs back home in their little white fascist bastard huts. 
  'A well pair of groomed horses I must say,' he would remark 
to wee Spastic Sporran the flighty chamberlain, whom he'd had 
his good eye on eversince Hogmanose. 
  'Nae sa bad' she would answer in her sliced Aberdeen-martin 
accent. 'Ye spend more time wi' yon horses than ye do wi' 
me,' with that she would storm back to her duties, carefully 
tying her chastity negro hardly to her skim. 
  Being a good catholic, Jesus wiped the spit from his face and 
turned the other cheese - but she had gone leaving him once 
small in an agatha of christy. 
  'One dave she woll go too farther, and I woll leaf her' he said 
to his fave rave horse. Of course the horse didn't answer, 
because as you know they cannot speak, least of all to a garlic 
eating, stinking, little yellow greasy fascist bastard catholic 
Spaniard. They soon made it up howevans and Jesus and wee 
Spastic were once morphia unitely in a love that knew no suzie. 
The only thing that puzzled Jesus was why his sugarboot got so 
annoyed when he called her his little Spastic in public. Little 
wonder howeapon, with her real name being Patrick, you see? 
  'Ye musna' call me Spastic whilst ma friends are here Jesus 
ma bonnie wee dwarf' she said irragated. 
  'But I cannot not say Patrick me little tartan bag' he replied 
all herb and angie inside. She looked down at him through a 
mass of naturally curly warts. 
  'But Spastic means a kind of cripple in English ma sweet wee 
Jesus, and ai'm no cripple as you well known! ' 
  'That's true enough' said he 'but I didn't not realize being a 
foreigner and that, and also not knowing your countries culture 
and so force, and anywait I can spot a cripple anywhere.' 
  He rambled on as Patrick knelt down lovingly with tears in 
her eye and slowly bit a piece of his bum. Then lifting her face 
upwarts, she said with a voice full of emulsion 'Can ye heffer 
forgive me Jesus, can ye? ' she slobbed. He looked at her strange- 
ly as if she were a strangely, then taking her slowly right foot 
he cried; 'Parreesy el pino a strevaro qui bueno el franco 
senatro! ' which rugby transplanted means - 'Only if you've 
got green braces' - and fortunately she had. 
  They were married in the fallout, with the Lairds blessing of 
course, he also gave them a 'wee gifty' as he put it, which was a 
useful addition to their bottom lawyer. It was a special jar of 
secret ointment made by generators of his forefingers to help get 
rid of Patricks crabs which she had unluckily caught from the 
Laird of McAnus himself at his late wifes (Lady McAnus') wake. 
They were overjoyced, and grapenut abun and beyond the call 
of duty. 
  'The only little crawlie things we want are babies,' quipped 
Jesus who was a sport. 'That's right sweety' answered Patrick 
reaching for him with a knowsley hall. 
  'Guid luck to you and yours' shouted the Laird from the old 
  'God bless you sir' said Jesus quickly harnessing his wife with 
a dexterity that only practice can perfect. 'Come on me beauty' 
he whispered as he rode his wife at a steady trot towards the 
East Gate. 'We mustn't miss the first race my dear.' 
  'Not likely' snorted his newly wed wife breaking into a gull- 
up. 'Not likely' she repeated. 
  The honeymood was don short by a telephant from Mrs El 
Pifco (his mother) who was apparently leaving Barcelunder to 
se her eldest sod febore she died laughing, and besides the air 
would do her good she added. Patrick looked up from her 
nosebag and giggled. 
  'Don't joke about Mamma please if you donlang, she are all 
I have loft in the world and besides your mother's a bit of a 
brockwurst herselves' said Jesus, 'And if she's still alive when 
she gets here we can throw up a party for her and then she can 
meet all our ugly Scottish friends' he reflected. 'On the other 
handle we can always use her as a scarecrab in the top field' said 
Patrick practically. 
  So they packed their suitcrates marked 'his and hearse' and set 
off for their employers highly home in the highlies. 
  'We're home Sir' said Jesus to the wizened tartan figure knelt 
crouching over a bag of sheep. 
  'Why are ye bask so soon?' inquired the Laird, immediately 
recognizing his own staff through years of experience. 'I've had 
some bad jews from my Mammy - she's coming to seagull me, 
if its all ripe with you sir.' The Laird thought for a mumble, 
then his face lit up like a boiling wart. 
  'You're all fired' he smiled and went off whistling. 


I have a little budgie 
He is my very pal 
I take him walks in Britain 
I hope I always shall. 

I call my budgie Jeffrey 
My grandads name's the same 
I call him after grandad 
Who had a feathered brain. 

Some people don't like budgies 
The little yellow brats 
They eat them up for breakfast 
Or give them to their cats. 

My uncle ate a budgie 
It was so fat and fair. 
I cried and called him Ronnie 
He didn't seem to care 

Although his name was Arthur 
It didn't mean a thing. 
He went into a petshop 
And ate up everything. 

The doctors looked inside him, 
To see what they could do, 
But he had been too greedy 
He died just like a zoo. 

My Jeffrey chirps and twitters 
When I walk into the room, 
I make him scrambled egg on toast 
And feed him with a spoon. 

He sings like other budgies 
But only when in trim 
But most of all on Sunday 
Thats when I plug him in. 

He flies about the room sometimes 
And sits upon my bed 
And if he's really happy 
He does it on my head. 

He's on a diet now you know 
>From eating far too much 
They say if he gets fatter 
He'll have to wear a crutch. 

It would be funny wouldn't it 
A budgie on a stick 
Imagine all the people 
Laughing till they're sick. 

So that's my budgie Jeffrey 
Fat and yellow too 
I love him more than daddie 
And I'm only thirty two. 


Once upon upon in a dizney far away - say three hundred year 
agoal if you like - there lived a sneaky forest some several 
dwarts or cretins; all named - Sleezy, Grumpty, Sneezy, Dog, 
Smirkey, Alice? Derick - and Wimpey. Anyway they all dug 
about in a diamond mind, which was rich beyond compere. 
Every day when they came hulme from wirk, they would sing a 
song - just like ordinary wirkers - the song went something 
like - 'Yo ho! Yo ho! it's off to wirk we go! ' - which is silly 
really considerable they were comeing hulme. (Perhaps ther was 
slight housework to be do.) 
  One day howitzer they (Dwarts) arrived home, at aprodestant, 
six o'cloth, and who? - who do they find? - but only Snore 
Wife, asleep in Grumpty's bed. He didn't seem to mine. 'Sam- 
body's been feeding my porrage! ' screams Wimpey, who was ' 
wearing a light blue pullover. Meanwife in a grand Carstle, not 
so mile away, a womand is looging in her daily mirror, shouting, 
'Mirror mirror on the wall, whom is de fairy in the land.' which 
doesn't even rhyme. 'Cassandle!' answers the mirror. 'Chrish 
O'Malley' studders the womand who appears to be a Queen or a 
witch or an acorn. 
  'She's talking to that mirror again farther?' says Misst 
Cradock, 'I've just seen her talking to that mirror again.' Father 
Cradock turns round slowly from the book he is eating and ex- 
plains that it is just a face she is going through and they're all 
the same at that age. 'Well I don't like it one tit,' continhughs 
Misst Cradock. Father Cradock turns round slowly from the 
book he is eating, explaining that she doesn't have to like it, 
and promptly sets fire to his elephant. 'Sick to death of this 
elephant I am,' he growls, 'sick to death of it eating like an 
elephant all over the place.' 
  Suddenly bark at the Several Dwarts home, Snore Wife has 
became a firm favourite, especially with her helping arm, 
brushing away the little droppings. 'Good old Snore Wife! ' thee 
all sage, 'Good old Snore Wife is our fave rave.' 'And I like you 
tooth! ' rejoices Snore Wife, 'I like you all my little dwarts.' 
Without warping they hear a soddy voice continuallykhan 
shoubing and screeging about apples for sale. 'New apples for 
old! ' says the above hearing voice. 'Try these nice apples for 
chrissake!' Grumpy turnips quick and answers shooting - 
'Why?' and they all look at him. 
  A few daisy lately the same voice comes hooting aboon the 
apples for sale with a rarther more firm aproach saying 'These 
apples are definitely for sale.' Snore Wife, who by this time is 
curiously aroused, stick her heads through the window. Any- 
way she bought one - which didn't help the trade gap at all. 
Little diggerydoo that it was parsened with deathly arsenickers. 
The woman (who was the wickered Queen in disgust) cackled 
away to her carstle in the hills larfing fit to bust. 
  Anyway the handsome Prince who was really Misst Cra- 
dock, found out and promptly ate the Wicked Queen and 
smashed up the mirror. After he had done this he journeyed to 
the house of the Several Dwarts and began to live with them. 
He refused to marry Snore Wife on account of his health, what 
with her being poissoned and that, but they came to an agree- 
ment much to the disgust of Sleepy - Grumpty - Sneeky - 
Dog - Smirkey - Alice? - Derick and Wimpy. The Dwarts 
clubbed together and didn't buy a new mirror, but always sang 
a happy song. They all livered happily ever aretor until they 
died - which somebody of them did naturally enough. 


I find it recornered in my nosebook that it was a dokey and 
winnie dave towart the end of Marge in the ear of our Loaf 
1892 in Much Bladder, a city off the North Wold. Shamrock 
Womlbs had receeded a telephart whilst we sat at our lunch 
eating. He made no remark but the matter ran down his head, 
for he stud in front of the fire with a thoughtfowl face, smirk- 
ing his pile, and casting an occasional gland at the massage. 
Quite sydney without warping he turd upod me with a mis- 
carriage twinkle in his isle. 
  'Ellifitzgerrald my dear Whopper,' he grimmond then sharply 
'Guess whom has broken out of jail Whopper?' My mind imme- 
diately recoughed all the caramels that had recently escaped or 
escaped from Wormy Scabs. 
  'Eric Morley?' I ventured. He shook his bed. 'Oxo Whitney?' 
I queered, he knotted in the infirmary. 'Rygo Hargraves?' I 
winston agreably. 
  'No, my dear Whopper, it's OXO WHITNEY' he bellowed 
as if I was in another room, and I wasn't. 
  'How d'you know Womlbs? ' I whispered excretely. 
  'Harrybellafonte, my dear Whopper.' At that precise mor- 
man a tall rather angularce tall thin man knocked on the door. 
'By all accounts that must be he, Whopper.' I marvelled at his 
acute osbert lancaster. 
  'How on urge do you know Womlbs' f asped, revealing my 
bad armchair. 
  'Eliphantitus my deaf Whopper' he baggage knocking out his 
pip on his large leather leg. In warped the favourite Oxo Whit- 
ney none the worse for worms. 
  'I'm an escaped primrose Mr Womlbs' he grate darting frane- 
tically about the room. 
  'Calm down Mr Whitney! ' I interpolled 'or you'll have a 
nervous breadvan.' 
  'You must be Doctored Whopper' he pharted. My friend was 
starving at Whitney with a strange hook on his eager face, that 
tightening of the lips, that quiver of the nostriches and consta- 
pation of the heavy tufted brows which I knew so well. 
  'Gorra ciggie Oxo' said Womlbs quickly. I looked at my 
colledge, hoping for some clue as to the reason for this sodden 
outboard, he gave me no sign except a slight movement of his 
good leg as he kicked Oxo Whitney to the floor. 'Gorra ciggie 
Oxo' he reapeted almouth hysterically. 
  'What on urn are you doing my dear Womlbs' I imply; 'nay 
I besiege you, stop lest you do this poor wretch an injury! ' 
  'Shut yer face yer blubbering owld get' screamed Womlbs 
like a man fermented, and laid into Mr Whitney something 
powerful wat. This wasn't not the Shamrock Womlbs I used to 
nose, I thought puzzled and hearn at this suddy change in my 
old friend. 
  Mary Atkins pruned herselves in the mirage, running her 
hand wantanly through her large blond hair. Her tight dress was 
cut low revealingly three or four blackheads, carefully scrubbed 
on her chess. She addled the final touches to her makeup and 
fixed her teeth firmly in her head. 'He's going to want me to- 
night' she thought and pictured his hamsome black curly face 
and jaundice. She looked at her clocks impatiently and went to 
the window, then leapt into her favorite armchurch, picking 
up the paper she glassed at the headlines. 'MORE NEGOES 
IN THE CONGO' it read, and there was, but it was the Stop 
Press which corked her eye. 'JACK THE NIPPLE STRIKE 
AGAIN.' She went cold all over, it was Sydnees and he'd left 
the door open. 
  'Hello lover' he said slapping her on the butter. 
  'Oh you did give me a start Sydnees' she shrieked laughing 
arf arfily. 
  'I always do my love' he replied jumping on all fours. She 
joined him and they galloffed quickly downstairs into a harrased 
cab. 'Follow that calf' yelped Sydnees pointing a rude fingure. 
  'White hole mate! ' said the scabbie. 
  'Why are we bellowing that card Sydnees? ' inquired Mary 
  'He might know where the party' explained Sydnees. 
  'Oh I see' said Mary looking up at him as if to say. 
  The journey parssed pleasantly enough with Sydnees and 
Mary pointing out places of interest to the scab driver; such as 
Buckinghell Parcel, the Horses of Parliamint, the Chasing of the 
Guards. One place of particularge interest was the Statue of 
Eric in Picanniny Surplass. 
  'They say that if you stand there long enough you'll meet a 
friend' said Sydnees knowingly, 'that's if your not run over.' 
  'God Save the Queens' shouted the scabbie as they passed the 
Parcel for maybe the fourth time. 
  'Jack the Nipple' said Womlbs puffing deeply on his wife, 'is 
not only a vicious murderer but a sex meany of the lowest 
orgy.' Then my steamed collic relit his pig and walkered to the 
windy of his famous flat in Bugger St in London where it all hap- 
pened. I pondled on his statemouth for a mormon then turding 
sharply I said. 'But how do you know Womlbs? ' 
  'Alibabba my dead Whopper, I have seen the film' I knew 
him toby right for I had only read the comic. 
  That evenig we had an unexpeckled visitor, Inspectre Basil, 
I knew him by his tell-tale unicorn. 
  'Ah Inspectre Basil mon cher amie' said Womlbs spotting 
him at once. 'What brings you to our humble rich establish- 
  'I come on behave of thousands' the Inspectre said sitting 
quietly on his operation. 
  'I feel l know why you are here Basil' said Womlbs eyeing he 
leg. 'It's about Jock the Cripple is it not?' The Jnspectre smiled 
  'How did you guess? ' I inquired all puzzle. 
  'Alecguiness my deep Whopper, the mud on the Inspectre's 
left, and also the buttock on his waistbox is misting.' 
  The Inspectre looked astoundagast and fidgeted nervously 
from one fat to the other. 'You neville sieze to amass me Mr 
  'A drink genitalmen' I ventured, 'before we get down to the 
businose in hand in hand?' They both knotted in egremont and 
I went to the cocky cabinet. 'What would you prepare Basil, 
Bordom '83 or? ' 
  'I'd rather have rather have rather' said the Inspectre who 
was a gourmless. After a drink and a few sam leeches Womlbs 
got up and paced the floor up and down up and down pacing. 
  'Why are you pacing the floor up and down up and down 
pacing dear Womlbs' I inquiet. 
  'I'm thinking alowed my deaf Whopper.' I looked over at the 
Inspectre and knew that he couldn't hear him either. 
  'Guess who's out of jail Mr Womlbs' the Inspectre said sub- 
benly. Womlbs looked at me knowingly. 
  'Eric Morley?' I asked, they shook their heaths. 'Oxo Whit- 
ney?' I quart, again they shoot their heaps. 'Rygo Hargraves?' I 
  'No my dear Whopper, OXO WHITNEY!' shouted Womlbs 
leaping to his foot. I loked at him admiring this great man all 
the morphia. 
  Meanwire in a ghasly lit street in Chelthea, a darkly clocked 
man with a fearful weapon, creeped about serging for revenge 
on the women of the streets for giving him the dreadfoot V.D. 
(Valentine Dyall). 'I'll kill them all womb by womb' he 
muffled between scenes. He was like a black shadow or negro on 
that dumb foggy night as he furtively looked for his neck vic- 
tim. His minds wandered back to his childhook, remembering 
a vague thing or two like his mother and farmer and how they 
had beaten him for eating his sister. 'I'm demented' he said 
checking his dictionary, 'I should bean at home on a knife like 
these.' He turned into a dim darky and spotted a light. 
  Mary Atkins pruned herselves in the mirrage running her 
hand wantanly through her large blond hair. Her tight dress 
was cut low revealingly three or four more blackheads carefully 
scrubbed on her chess. Business had been bad lately and what 
with the cost of limping. She hurriedly tucked in her goose- 
berries and opened the door. 'No wonder business is bad' she 
remarked as she caught size of her hump in the hall mirror. 'My 
warts are showing.' With a carefree yodel she slept into the 
street and caught a cab to her happy humping grounds. 'That 
Sydnees's nothing but a pimple living on me thus' she thought 
'lazing about day in day off, and here's me plowing my train up 
and down like Soft Arthur and you know how soft Arthur.' 
She got off as uterus at Nats Cafe and took up her position. 
'They'll never even see me in this fog' she muttered switching 
on her lamps. Just then a blasted Policemat walked by. 'Blasted 
Policemat' she shouted, but luckily he was deaf. 'Blasted 
deaf Policemat' she shouted. 'Why don't yer gerra job!' 
  Little did she gnome that the infamous Jack the Nipple was 
only a few streets away. 'I hope that blasted Jack the Nipple 
isn't only a few streets away,' she said, 'he's not right in the 
  'How much lady' a voice shocked her from the doorways of 
Nats. Lucky for him there was a sale on so. they soon retched 
an agreament. A very high class genderman she thought as they 
walked quickly together down the now famous Carringto 

  'I tell yer she whore a good woman Mr Womlbs sir' said 
Sydnees Aspinall. 
  'I quite believe you Mr Asterpoll, after all you knew her 
better than me and dear old buddy friend Whopper, but we 
are not here to discuss her merits good or otherwives, we are 
here, Mr Asronaute, to discover as much information as we can 
about the unfortunate and untidy death of Mary Atkins.' 
Womlbs looked the man in the face effortlessly. 
  'The name's Aspinall guvnor' said the wretched man. 
  'I'm deleware of your name Mr Astracan.' Womlbs said look- 
ing as if he was going to smash him. 
  'Well as long as you know,' said Aspinall wishing he'd gone 
to Safely Safely Sunday Trip. Womlbs took down the entrails 
from Aspinall as quickly as he could, I could see that they 
weren't on the same waveleg. 
  'The thing that puddles me Womlbs,' I said when we were 
alone, 'is what happened to Oxo Whitney? ' Womlbs looged at 
me intently, I could see that great mind was thinking as his 
tufted eyepencil knit toboggen, his strong jew jutted out, his 
nosepack flared, and the limes on his furheads wrinkled. 
  'That's a question Whopper.' he said and I marveled at his 
grammer. Next day Womlbs was up at the crack of dorchester, 
he didn't evening look at the moaning papers. As yewtree I 
fixed his breakfat of bogard, a gottle of geer, a slice of jewish 
bread, three eggs with little liars on, two rashes of bacon, a 
bowel of Rice Krustchovs, a fresh grapeful, mushrudes, some 
freed tomorrows, a basket of fruits, and a cup of teens. 
  'Breakfeet are ready' I showbody 'It's on the table.' But to my 
supplies he'd already gone. 'Blast the wicker basket yer grannie 
sleeps in.' I thought 'Only kidding Shamrock' I said remember- 
ing his habit of hiding in the cupboard. 
  That day was an anxious one for me as I waited for news of 
my dear friend, I became fretful and couldn't finish my Kenno- 
meat, it wasn't like Shamrock to leave me here all by my own, 
lonely; without him I was at large. I rang up a few close itamate 
friends but they didn't know either, even Inspectre Basil didn't 
know, and if anybody should know, Inspectre Basil should 
'cause he's a Police. I was a week lately when I saw him again 
and I was shocked by his apeerless, he was a dishovelled rock. 
'My God Womlbs' I cried 'My God, what on earth have you 
  'All in good time Whopper' he trousered. 'Wait till I get my 
breast back.' 
  I poked the fire and warmed his kippers, when he had mini- 
coopered he told me a story which to this day I can't remember. 


Softly, softly, treads the Mungle 
Thinner thorn behaviour street. 
Whorg canteell whorth bee asbin? 
Cam we so all complete, 
With all our faulty bagnose? 

The Mungle pilgriffs far awoy 
Religeorge too thee worled. 
Sam fells on the waysock-side 
And somforbe on a gurled, 
With all her faulty bagnose! 

Our Mungle speaks tonife at eight 
He tells us wop to doo 
And bless us cotten sods again 
Oamnipple to our jew 
(With all their faulty bagnose). 

Bless our gurlished wramfeed 
Me cursed cafe kname 
And bless thee loaf he eating 
With he golden teeth aflame 
Give us OUR faulty bagnose! 

Good Mungle blaith our meathalls 
Woof mebble morn so green the wheel 
Staggaboon undie some grapeload 
To get a little feel 
of my own faulty bagnose. 

Its not OUR faulty bagnose now 
Full lust and dirty hand 
Whitehall the treble Mungle speak 
We might as wealth be band 
Including your faulty bagnose 

Give us thisbe our daily tit 
Good Mungle on yer travelled 
A goat of many coloureds 
Wiberneth all beneath unravelled 


Azue orl gnome, Harassed Wilsod won the General Erection, 
with a very small marjorie over the Torchies. Thus pudding the 
Laboring Partly back into powell after a large abcess. This he 
could not have done withoutspan the barking of thee Trade 
Onions, heady by Frenk Cunnings (who noun has a SAFE 
SEAT in Nuneating thank you and Fronk (only 62) Bowels 
  Sir Alice Doubtless-Whom was - quote - 'bitherly ditha- 
pointed' but managed to keep smirking on his 5oo,ooo acre 
estate in Scotland with a bit of fishing and that. 
  The Torchies (now in apperition) have still the capable 
qualities of such disable men as Rabbit Bunloaf and the very 
late Harrods McMillion. What, you arsk, happened to Ans- 
werme Enos (ex Prim Minicar) after that Suez pudding, peaple 
are saying. Well I don't know. 
  We must not forget the great roles played out by Huge Foot 
and Dingie in capturing a vote or tomb. We must not forget 
Mrs Wilsod showing her toilets on telly. We must not forget 
Mr Caravans loving smile on Budgie Day as he raised the price 
of the Old Age Pests. We must not forget Mr Caravans lovely 
smile when he raised the price of the M.P.s (Mentals of Parlia- 
ment) wagers as well also. We must not forget Joke Grimmace 
(LIB). We must not forget to issue clogs to all the G.P. Ostmen 
who are foing great things somewhere and also we must not 
forget to Post Early for Christsake. 
  Lastly but not priest, we must not forget to put the clocks 
back when we all get bombed. Harold. 


Benjamin halted his grave flow of speach and lug off a cigarf he 
knew where peeky boon! He wretched overy and berlin all the 
  'It were all nok a limpcheese then a work ferce bottle. Ai 
warp a grale regrowth on, withy boorly replenishamatsaty 
troop, and harlas a wedreally to fight. We're save King of pam- 
pices when all the worm here me aid.' I inadvertabably an un- 
obtrusive neyber had looke round and seen a lot of goings off, 
you know how they are. Anywart, I say get a battlyard puss- 
load, ye scrurry navvy, I beseige of all my bogglephart, way with 
his kind farleny and grevey cawlers. But Benjaman was a 
rather man for all I cared. I eyed he looking, 'Ben' I cried 'You 
are rather man.' He looked at me hardly with a brown trowel. 
'I know' he said, 'but I do a steady thirsty.' I were overwhelped 
with heem grate knowaldge, you darn't offer mead and monk 
with all these nobody, I thought. A man like he shall haff all 
the bodgy poodles in his hands. 'Curse ye baldy butters, and Ai 
think its a pritty poreshow when somebottle of my statue has 
to place yongslave on my deposite.' 
  'Why - why? ' I cribble all tawdry in my best sydneys. 
  To this day I'll never know. 
                             THE END 


Whilst all the tow was sleepy 
Crept a little boy from bed 
To fained the wondrous peoble 
Wot lived when they were dead. 

He packed a little voucher 
For his dinner 'neath a tree. 
'Perhumps a tiny dwarf or two 
Would share abite with me? 

'Perchamp I'll see the Wumberlog 
The highly feathered crow, 
The larfing leaping Harristweed 
And good old Uncle Joe.' 

He packed he very trunkase, 
Clean sockers for a week, 
His book and denzil for his notes, 
Then out the windy creep. 

He met him friendly magic dog, 
All black and curlew too, 
Wot flew him fast in second class 
To do wot he must do. 

'I'll leave you now sir,' said the dog, 
'But just before I go 
I must advise you,' said his friend 
'This boat to careflee row.' 

'I thank you kindly friendly pal, 
I will,' and so he did, 
And floated down towards the land 
Where all the secrets hid. 

What larfs aplenty did he larf, 
It seeming so absurd; 
Whilst losing all his oars, 
On his head he found a bird. 

'Hello,' the bird said, larfing too, 
'I hope you don't mind me, 
I've come to guide you here on in, 
In case you're lost at sea.' 

Well fancy that, the boy thought, 
I never knew till now 
That birds could speak so plainly. 
He wondered - wonder how? 

'What kind of bird are you sir?' 
He said with due respect, 
'I hope I'm not too nosey 
But I didn't not expect.' 

'I am a wumberlog you see,' 
The bird replied - all coy, 
'The highly feathered species lad, 
You ought to jump for joy.' 

'I would I would, if only, but 
You see - well - yes, oh dear, 
The thing is dear old Wumberlog 
I'm petrified with fear! ' 

'Now don't be silly' said the bird, 
'I friendly - always - and 
I'm not like Thorpy Grumphlap, 
I'll show you when we land.' 

And soon the land came interview, 
A 'tastic sight for sure, 
An island with an eye to see 
To guide you into shore. 

'Hard to starboard' said a tree, 
'Yer focsle mainsle blast 
Shivver timbers wayard wind 
At last yer've come at last.' 

'You weren't expecting me, I hope' 
The boy said, puzzled now. 
'Of course we are' a thing said, 
Looking slightly like a cow. 

'We've got the kettle going lad,' 
A cheerful apple say, 
'I'll bring a bag of friends along 
Wot you can have for tay.' 

A teawell ate, with dog and tree 
Is not a common sight, 
Especially when the dog himself 
Had started off the flight. 

'How did you get here curlew friend?' 
The boy said all a maze. 
'The same way you did, in a boat,' 
The dog yelled through the haze. 

'Where are all the peoble, please, 
Wot live when they are dead? 
I'd like to see them if I may 
Before I'm back in bed.' 

'You'll see them son,' a carrot said, 
"Don't hurry us; you know 
You've got to eat a plate of me 
Before we let you go!' 

Then off to see the peoble whom 
The lad had come to see 
And in the distance there he saw 
A group of tweilve or three. 

A little further on at last 
There were a lot or more, 
All digging in the ground and that, 
All digging in the floor. 

'What are you digging all the time?' 
He asked them like a brother. 
Before they answered he could see 
They really dug each other, 

In fact they took it turns apiece 
To lay down in the ground 
And shove the soil upon the heads 
Of all their friends around. 

Well, what a sight! I ask you now. 
He had to larf out lnud. 
Before he knew what happened 
He'd gathered quite a crowed. 

Without a word, and spades on high, 
They all dug deep and low, 
And placed the boy into a hole 
Next to his Uncle Joe. 

'I told you not to come out here,' 
His uncle said, all sad. 
'I had to Uncle,' said the boy. 
'You're all the friend I had.' 

With just their heads above the ground 
They bade a fond goodbye, 
With all the people shouting out 
"Here's mud into your eye! ' 
(And there certainly was.) 


Araminta Ditch was always larfing. She woof larf at these, larf 
at thas. Always larfing she was. Many body peofle woof look 
atat her saying, 'Why does that Araminta Ditch keep larfing?' 
They could never understamp why she was ever larfing about 
the place. 'I hope she's not at all larfing at me,' some peokle 
would say, 'I certainly hope that Araminta Ditch is not larfing 
at me.' 
  One date Araminta rose up out of her duffle bed, larfing as 
usual with that insage larf peojle had come to know her form. 
  'Hee! hee! hee! ' She larfed all the way down to breakfart. 
  'Hee! hee! hee! ' She gurgled over the morman papiers. 
  'Hee! hee! hee! ' Continude Araminta on the buzz to wirk. 
  This pubbled the passages and condoctor equally both. 'Why 
is that boot larfing all the time?' Inqueered an elderberry pas- 
sengeorge who trabelled regularge on that roof and had a write 
to know. 
  'I bet nobody knows why I am always larfing.' Said Ara- 
minta to herself privately, to herself. 'They would dearly love 
to know why I am always larfing like this to myselve privately 
to myselve. I bet some peoble would really like to know.' She 
was right, off course, lots of peotle would. 
  Araminta Ditch had a boyfred who could never see the joke. 
'As long as she's happy,' he said. He was a good man. 'Pray tell 
me, Araminta, why is it that you larf so readily. Yeaye, but I 
am sorly troubled sometimes when thy larfter causes sitch 
tribulation and embarresment amongst my family and elders.' 
Araminta would larf alI the more at an outburp like this, even 
to the point of hysteriffs. 'Hee! hee! hee!' She would scream as 
if possessed by the very double himself. 
  'That Araminta Ditch will have to storp orl these larfing; she 
will definitely have to storp it. I will go crazy if she don't storp 
it.' This was the large voice of her goodly neighbore, Mrs 
Cramsby, who lived right next door and looked after the cats 
whilst Araminta was at work. 'Takes a good deal of looking 
after these cat when she's at work - and that's nothing to larf 
about! ' 
  The whole street had beginning to worry about Araminta's 
larfter. Why? hadn't she been larfing and living there for nye- 
bevan thirty years, continually larfing hee! hee! and annoying 
them? They began to hold meters to see what could be done - 
after all they had to live with her hadn't they? It was them 
who had to always keep hearing her inane larftor. At one such 
meetinge they deciple to call on the help of Aramintas' boy- 
fiend who was called Richard (sometimes Richard the Turd, but 
thats another story). 'Well I dont know dear friends,' said 
Richard, who hated them all. This was at the second meetink! 
  Obvouslieg samting hed tow be doon - and quickly. Ara- 
mintas' face was spreading aboon the country, peochle fram all 
walks of leg began to regarden her with a certain insight left. 
  'What canon I do that would quell this mirth what is gradu-, 
ally drying me to drink, have I not bespoken to her often, 
betting her to cease, threatling - cajolson - arsking, pleases stop 
this larftor Araminta. I am at the end of my leather - my cup 
kenneth conner,' Richard say. The people of the street mub-. 
bered in agreement, what could he do? He was foing his vest. 
'We will ask the Vicar,' said Mrs Crambsey, 'Surely he can 
exercise it out of her? ' The peodle agreed - 'Surely the Vicar 
can do it if anybotty can.' The Vicar smiled a funny little smile 
wholst the goo people splained the troumer. When they had had 
finished speaching he rose up grandly from his barthchair and 
said loud and clear 'What do you mean exactly?' The peodle 
sighed an slowlies started to start again telling him about the 
awful case of Araminta's larfing. 
  'You mean she just keeps larfing fer no a parent season?' he 
said brightly. 'Yess that's it fazackerly Vicar,' said Richard, 
'morning noon and nige, always larfing like a mad thin.' The 
Vicar looked up from his knitting and opened. his mouths. 
  'Something will have to be done about that girl larfing all the 
time. It's not right.' 
  'I really doughnut see that it is any concervative of thiers 
whether i larf or nament,' sighed Araminta over a lengthy vic- 
tim. 'The trifle with the peomle around here is that they have 
forgoden how, I repeat, how to larf, reverend, that's what I 
think anyhow.' 
  She was of corset talking to the extremely reverend LIONEL 
HUGHES. She had gone to see him in case he could help her 
in any small way, considering he was always spouting off about 
helping peouple she thought she'd give him a try as it were. 
'What can I say my dear, I mean what can I say? ' Araminta 
looked at the holy fink with disbelief. 'What do you mean - 
what can I say - don't ask me what to say. I cam here to ask 
you for help and you have the audacidacidity to ask me what to 
say - is that all you have to say?' she yellowed. 'I know exactly 
how you feel Samantha, I had a cousin the same way, couldn't 
see a thin without his glasgows.' 
  Araminta stood up in a kind of suit, she picked up her own 
mongels and ran seriously out of the room. 'No wonder he only 
gets three in on Sunday! ' she exclaimed to a small group of 
  A year or more passedover with no changei in Araminta's 
strange larfing. 'Hee! hee! hee! she went drivan herself and 
everone around her insane. THERE  SEEMED  NO  END  TO 
THE PROBLEM. This went on for eighty years until Araminta 
died larfing. This did not help her neighbers much. They had all 
died first, - which was one of the many things that Araminta 
died larfing off. 


Y o u   a l l   k n o w   m e 

How many times have I warned you all about my telephone?  Well it 
happened again! Once more I couldn't get through to my Aunty Besst, and 
yet again I nearly didn't get my famous column with a picture of me 
inset through those damn blasted operators! YOU know how I hate 
those damn blasted operators. You all know me. THIRTY TWO times 
I tried to get through with my famous column and thirty two times I 
was told to 'Gerroff the line yer borein' owld gassbag!' When I told 
a colleague or two, they couldn't not believe it, after all hadn't I 
been writing the same thing for sixty years? You all know me... 

T h e   w a y   I   s e e   i t 

How many moron of these incredible sleasy backward, bad, deaf mon- 
keys, parsing as entertainers, with thier FLOPTOPPED hair, falling 
about the place like Mary PICKFORD, do I have to put up with? 
The way I see it, a good smell in the Army would cure them, get rid of a 
few more capitalist barskets (OOPS!). Not being able to stand 
capitalism, I fail to see why those awful common lads make all that 
money, in spite of me and the governrnent in a society such as 
ours where our talent will out. 
I know I'm a bald old get with glasses (SEE PICTURE). Maybe I ought to 
be thankful, but I doubt it... 

K o m s   d e r   r e v o l u t i o n 

Caviare is collected for me with Hollywood. Do you rernember when I 
had dinner with that super spiffing showdog Mike 9 (Round the Wall in 
Eighty Days, the late) Toddy? Well he loved caviarse/great pots of 
it/ and he assulmed derry boddy elf did and if they didn't, they should 
damn it (OPPS!). You all know me, well I don't like it, and I find myself 
(somtimes) fighting a fierce and wonderfull verbal battle as to 
whether I should be forthed against my will to eat this costly delicasy 
from the Caspian Sea. Quite orften I lose, but thats Socialism. (You 
know me). 

Mike (Round the Worst in A Tall Canoe, 
the late) Toddy would have liked me. 

I suppose a lot of you have never had the chance of refusing this costly 
delicacy, believe me fans, you never will if we keep building all those 

Until tomorrow friends when I (YOU ALL KNOW ME) will be back with 
the same picture, but a DIFFERENT QUOTE brothers. 

Good Day, (The way I see it!) 


I strolled into a farmyard 
When no-one was about 
Treading past the troubles 
I raised my head to shout. 

'Come out the Cow with glasses,' 
I called and rolled my eye. 
It ambled up toward me, 
I milked it with a sigh. 

'You're just in time' the cow said, 
Its eyes were all aglaze, 
'I'm feeling like an elephant, 
I aren't been milked for days.' 

'Why is this? ' I asked it, 
Tugging at its throttles. 
'I don't know why, perhaps it's 'cause 
MY milk comes out in bottles.' 

'That's handy for the government,' 
I thought, and in a tick 
The cow fell dead all sudden 
(I'd smashed it with a brick). 


Dear Sir, 

    IF Mr Mothballs (Feb, 23 Sun'Taimes, page 8. col 4), 
thinks that the Hon gentleman (Norman Ccough). Well I'm 
here to tell him (Mr Mothballs) that he has bitten off more 
than he can chew. How dearie imply that Mr Ccough is 
socially inpurdent? Was it not Ccough whom started off the 
worled wide organiseationses, which in turn brought imidiate 
response from the Western Alliance (T. U. R.). If Mr Smith- 
barbs sincerely imagines that Indonegro is really going to 
attack the Australian continent with the eyes of the worled 
upon them I can only asulme that he (Mr Smallburns) has 
taken leaf of his sentries! Has he forgetting Mr Ccough's 
graet speek at the Asembly of Natives? Is he also forbett- 
ing that hithertoe unpressydessy charter - the Blested Old 
Widows - which was carried through the House with a Majollity 

    In future I hobe thet Mr Smellbarth will refrian 
frog makeing wild and dangeroo statemonths. 

    I remain still, 

        yours for the arsking, 

            Jennifarse Cough (no relations). 


Editors Football. 
Well maa'mm, the old Coblers think you're a very plucky 
christion. Wish there were a few more like yourself maa'mm!!! 


'I really don't know woot to mak of these,' said Norman, as 
he sorted through him Chrimbas posed. 'It seem woot I git 
mower litters und parskels than woot I know peoples, it supli- 
zeses moi moor et moor each yar, as moor on these pareskle 
keep cooming. I really doon't knaw whew all they body are - 
seddling ik all this.' He clab quitely too the fire, sheving a few 
mough ruddish awn. 'It's came tow a pretty parse when I don't 
evil knew where they cam frog.' Norman coop an stetty keel 
and promptly wed intow thee kitcheon tow put up thee kettle 
orn. 'I might as welsh mak me a cooper tea, I night as welp 
hev a chocolush birskit as well, wile I do noddy.' So saying so 
he marshed offer to that teapod and tap it to that sing: bud to 
he grey suffise - what! - bat noo warty. 'Goob heralds! what's 
all of thiz goinge awn? Doe mein ice desleeve me? Am I knot 
loofing at me owen sing-unice, and there be know warty?' He 
was quait raight, lo! the warty didn noo apear, trey as he may- 
  Off course we all know whey this warty do no coomb, be- 
courgh the tangs they are awl freezup, awl on they, awl they 
freezop. Norman dig knort know that, for Norman him a silly, 
man - yes - Norman is sorft. 'OH deally meat! oh woe isme, 
wart canada, ther are nay werters toe mick a caper tay, ange me' 
moover she arther cooming ferty too. I shall heave two gough 
nextador, perhats they might hall hefty.' Sow Norman he gentry 
poots his had hand coat orn makeing sewer to wrave hisself op 
like he moomy tell him, broosh beyond the ears and out of that 
frant door he ghost. To him truly amasemaid, he fainds nought 
a houfe nought a hough inside! Wart on earth is heffering? - 
why - there iznot a hug tobeseen, not anyway fer miles aboot. 
Goody Griff, which artery in HEFFER harold by thy norm! 
is these not thet enid of the worm? Surely to goosestep I am nit 
that larst man on earn?' he fell suddy to the ground weefy and 
whaley erizeling tuber Lawn aboove to savfre him or judge 
spare a friend or to. 'I wilf give of awl my wordy posesions, awl 
me foren stabs, awl me classicow rechords, awl me fave rave 
pidgeons of Humpty Littlesod thee great nothing. All these oh 
wondrouse Sailor up above, I offer ye if only yer will save me! ' 
  Normans mather, who you remembrane, was a combing 
tooty, was shorked when she cam acroose him lyinge awn the 
floor thus crying, 'My dear NORMAN!' she screege, 'Wart 
in Griffs' nave are you doing, why are you carroling on this 
way? ' She wogged slightly over to her own son, with a woddied 
loof in her eye. 'Police don't garryon like this my son, tell 
Muddle werts the metre.' Norman raved himself slowly and 
sabbly locked at her. 'Carrot you see, mubber, Griff have end 
the worled. I only went to guess sam warty, and then it dibble 
wirk, so I went to go necktie to a nebough and I saw wit had 
happened - GRIFF had ended the worl. I saw nothing - every 
where there where no neybers. Oh Mather wet is happening?' 
Normans nither take won loog at he with a disabeleafed spres- 
sion on her head. 'My Golf! Norman wit are yuo torking about 
turn? Donald you member thet there have been nobodys liv- 
fing here ever? Rememble whensday first move in how you say 
- "Thank Heavy there are no peoplre about this place, I want 
to be aloef?" have you fergit all thistle?' Norman lucked op 
at he mam (stikl cryling) with teeth in his eye, saying - 'Muther, 
thou art the one, the power ov atterny, for heavan sakes amen. 
Thank you dear mether, I had truly forgot. I am silly Nor- 
man! ' They booth link arbs and walk brightly to the house. 
  'Fancy me ferbetting that no-bottle lives roynd here mother! 
Fantasie forgetting thet!' They each laff together as they head 
four the kitchen - and lo! - that warty runs again, the sun- 
beefs had done it, and they booth have tea, booth on them. 
Which jub shaw yer - - 
        'However blackpool tower maybe, 
         In time they'll bassaway. 
         Have faith and trumpand BBC - 
         Griffs' light make bright your day.' 
         AMEN (end mickaela dentist.) 


However Mr Boris Morris was morgan thankful for his narrow 
escape is largely put down to his happy knack of being in the 
right place at the right place. For stance, Boris was the one 
whom cornered Miss Pearl Staines at her impromtu but light- 
hearted garbage partly. 
  'Miss Staines' he had shouted 'how come you never invited 
yer sister to the do?' 
  'For the same reason I didn't invite you Mr Morris' she re- 
plight reaching for anoven helping. 
  Boris was no fudge, he quickly melted into the backcloth 
like an old cake, slighly taking candy shots of Miss Staines with 
her relatively. 
  'She won't invite me to the next do either' he remarked out 
loud with above average clarity. 
  Boris was elsie the man whom got the photies of the Dupe of 
Bedpan doing things at the anyearly jap festival, much to the 
supper of the Duchess set. Thus then was Boris Morris a man of 
great reknown and familiarity, accepted at do's of the wealthy 
and the poor alike hell. He was knew as the jew with a view, 
and he had. Not long after one of his more well known esca- 
pades, he was unfortunable to recieve a terrible blow to his 
ego. He was shot in the face at a Hunt Ball but nobody peaple 
found out till the end becaugh they all thought it was a clever 
  'What a clever mask that man has on,' was heard once or 
  It was not the end of Boris as you might well imargin, but 
even before his face set he was to easily recognizable at most 
places, with peaple pointing at him saying thing like 'What a 
good shot' and other. All this set Boris thinking, specially in the 
morning when he was shaving his scabs, as only he knew how. 
  'Must fix this blob of mine' he'd smile over a faceful of blot- 
ting paper. 
  'You certainly must dear' said his amiable old wife, 'what 
with me not getting any younger.' 


This night I lable down to sleep 
With hefty heart arid much saddened 
With all the bubbles of the world 
Bratting my boulders 
Oh dear sheep 

I slapter counting one be one 
Till I can cow nomore this day 
Till bethny hard aches leave we 
Elbing my ethbreeds 
Dear Griff's son 

What keeps me alberts owl felloon 
That is earl I ask from anybottly 
That I grape me daily work 
Cronching our batter 
My own basssoon. 

Can I get a gribble of me 
Should I heffer alway sickened 
Should you nabbie my furbern 
Wilfing their busbie 
Oh dear me. 

No! I shall streze my eber-teap! 
With lightly loaf and great larfter 
With head held eye and all 
Graffing my rhimber 
Oh dear sheep. 


'I, Barrold Reginald Bunker-Harquart 
being of sound mind you, limp and bodie, 
do on this day the 18 of Septemper 1924th, 
leave all my belodgings estate and brown 
suits to my nice neice Elsie. The above 
afformentioned hereafter to be kept in a 
large box untit she is 21 of age, then to be 
released amongst a birthdave party given 
in her honour. She will then be wheeled 
gladly into the Great Hall or kitchen, 
and all my wordly good heaped upon her 
in abundance. Thus accordianto my will 
will this be carried out as I lie in the 
ground getting eaten.' 

This then was the last will and testicle of I Barrold Reginald 
Bunker-Harquart, which was to change the lives of so many 
peoble - speciality little Elsie whom was only thirteens. 
  'Are you sure I have to stay in the box?' asked Elsie child- 
  'Yer not deaf are yer?' yelled Freud Q.C. what was helping. 
'Yer 'eard the familias solister as good as we didn't yer? ' 
  'I was only makeing conversation' replied Elisie who was only 
  Just then Elisies dear Old Nanny Harriette broke down in 
tears and everybody walked quietly out of the room leaving her 
to her grease, except Dr (not the) Barnado. 
  'There there Harriette, that won't bring the Mastered back' he 
said knowingly. 
  'I know I know' she bluttered 'its not that, its where are we 
going to find a box to fit her foot? tell me that, where are we 
going to find a box to fit her foot?' Luckily the Dr knew a 
carpentor in the village who was A  W O N D E R   W I T H 
W O O D. 'I'm wonder with wood.' he used to say, as he sored 
his way through life - with a naiI in one hand and polio in the 
other (his light hand being stronger than his lest). 'Children 
should be seized and not hard' was something Uncle Barrold 
had always said and even Old Nanny had always replied 
'Overy clown has a silver lifeboat' which always dried him ap. 
  Anywait, Elisie was soon entombed in her made to marion 
box, and people from miles adavies would come and visit HER, 
but only when it was sunny - for she was kept rightly in the 
garden. 'At least she'll get some fresh air.' argued Old Nanny - 
and she was right. 
  Three years parst and a great change had come over Elsie. Her 
once lovely skin was now roof and ready, some say it was that 
last bitter winter, others say it wasn't. Her warm smile which 
made one forget her hairlip was now a sickly grin, but enough 
of that. 
Less and lessless people came to visit Elsie especially since 
Old Nanny had put the price up. The Dr had kindly devised a 
scheme whereby Elsie could call for anything she wanted. It 
was a primitive affair, but effective - just a simple microphone 
tied into Elsie's mouth. This was attached to a louder speaker 
in the kitchen. Of course when Old Nanny was away on holi- 
day, she would turn the speaker off. 'No point in her shouting 
if I'm away" she would explain. 
  The years flew by for Elsie in her own box, sooner no than 
it was coming round to her twenty-first burly. 'I hope I get the 
key of the door' she thought, forgetting for a momemt she was 
getting the whole house. The place was was certainly in a state 
of anticipatient on the ear of Elsie's birthdaft, and Old Nanny 
celebrated by bringing her into the house for 'a warm by the 
fire' as she put it. Unfortunately Old Nanny seemed to place 
birthday Elsie too near the big old fireplace and her box caught 
alight with Elsie still wrapped firmly inside like her Uncle asked. 
  'She didn"t even eat her cake,' said Old Nanny tearfulham 
to Dr (not the) Bernardo the next morning. 
  'Never mind' he wryled. 'we'll give it io the dog, he'll eat 
  With that the Dr leaped over and gave Old Nanny a 
thorough examination on her brand new carpet. 
  'You can't have your cake and eat it' said a cheerful paying 
guessed adding, 'Statistics state that 90% of more accidents are 
caused by burning children in the house.' 


It wasn't long before old dad 
Was cumbersome - a drag. 
He seemed to get the message and 
Began to pack his bag. 

'You don't want me around,' he said, 
'I'm old and crippled too.' 
We didn't have the heart to say 
'You're bloody right it's true.' 

He really took an age and more 
To pack his tatty kleid. 
We started coughing by the door, 
To hurry him outside. 

'I'm no use to man nor beast,' 
He said, his eye all wet. 
'That's why we're getting rid of you, 
Yer stupid bastard, get.' 

His wrinkIed face turned up to us 
A pleading in his look; 
We gave him half-a-crown apiece 
And polished up his hook. 

'It's not that we don't like you dad.' 
Our eyes were downcast down. 
'We've tried to make a go of it 
Yer shrivelled little clown! ' 

At last he finished packing all, 
His iron hand as well. 
He even packed the penis 
What he'd won at bagatell. 

"Spect you'll write a line or two?' 
He whined - who could resist? 
We held his face beneath the light 
And wrote a shopping list. 

'Goodbye my sons and fare thee well, 
I blame yer not yer see, 
It's all yer mothers doing lads, 
She's had it in for me.' 

'You leave our mother out of this!' 
We screamed all fury rage, 
'At least she's working for her keep 
And nearly twice your age!' 

'I'd sooner starve than be a whore!' 
The old man said, all hurt. 
'Immoral earnings aren't for me, 
and living off her dirt.' 

'She washes everyday,' we said 
Together, all at once. 
'It's more than can be said for you 
Yer dirty little ponce!' 

At last upon the dooistep front 
He turned and with a wave 
He wished us all 'Good Heavens' 
And hoped we'd all behave. 

'The best of luck to you old dad!' 
We said with slight remorse, 
'You'll dig it in the workhouse man.' 
(He wouldn't though of course.) 

'Ah well he's gone and thats a fact,' 
We muttered after lunch, 
And hurried to the room in which 
He used to wash his hunch. 

'Well here's a blessing in disguise; 
Not only money too; 
He's left his pension book as well 
The slimy little jew!' 

'What luck we'll have a party 
Inviting all our friend. 
We've only one but she's a laugh 
She lets us all attend.' 

We never heard from dad again 
I 'spect we never shall 
But he'll remain in all our hearts 
- a buddy friend and pal. 


Aman came up to me the other day and said - 'Tell me 
vicar - tell me the deafinition of sin?' - and you know, I 
couIdn't answer him! Which makes me think - do you ever 
wonder (and what do we mean by the word wonder?) what 
an ordinary man (and what - I ask myself do we mean by 
an ordinary man?) who works in office or factory - goes 
to church ont Sunday (what exactly do we mean by 
Sunday?) who is also a sinner (we are all sinners). 
People are always coming up to me and asking - 'Why, if 
Griff is so good anb almighty - why does he bring such 
misery into the worId?' - and I can truthfully say St.Alf - ch 
8 verse 5 - page 9. 'Griff walks in such mysterious ways 
His woodwork to perform' (what do we mean by perform?) 
Which leads me neatly, I feel, to our next guest for tonight- 
A man whom is stickle trodding the pathway to our beloveb 
Griff - slowly but slowly I am here to help with the bridges he 
must surely cross.- 'Welcome to our studios tonight Mr 
Wabooba (a foreigner)' 

Mr W. 'Hellow you Rev boy.' 

Rev.  Well! Mr Wobooba - may I call you Wog? What is 
      the basic problem you are facing? (He smiles) 

Mr W. 'You! white trash christian boy.' (He also smiles) 

Rev.  Hmn! can you hallucinate? (He colours) 

Mr W. 'I can.' (Colouring too) 

Rev.  Well? (He smiles) 

Mr W. 'Wot ah want to know man - is why almighty Griff con- 
      tinooally insists on straiking ma fellow blackpool inde 

Rev.  A man travelling on a train - like you or I - to 
      Scotland, had two or two bad eggs in his pocket - 
      and you know - no one would sit by him. 

Mr W. 'But ah dont see dat yo' christship. Ah mean, ah don't 
      see de relevence.' 

Rev.  'Well, Wabooba - let me put it this way. In Griff's 
      eye, we are all a bunch of bananas - swaying in the 
      breeze - waiting as it were, Wabooba - to be peeled 
      by His great and understanding love - some of them 
      fall on stonycroft - and some fall on the waistcoat. 

Mr W. 'Well yo' worship, ah says dat if de Griff don't laike de 
      peoples in de world starfing an' all dat c'n you tell me 
      why dat de Pope have all dem rich robesan' jewelry an 
      big house to live - when ma people could fit too tousand 
      or mo' in dat Vatican Hall - and also de Arch bitter of 
      Canterbubble - him too!' 

Rev.  Ai don't think that the Arch bishoff would like to live 
      in the Vatican with that many people Mr Wabooba 
      - besides he's C. of E. 

Mr W. 'Ah don't mean dat you white trash christmas imperial- 
      ist !' 

Rev.  No one has ever called ME an imperialist before, 
      Mr Wabooba. (He smiles) 

Mr W. 'Well ah have.' (Smiling too) 

Rev.  You certainly have Mr Wabooba.             (He turns 
      other chin and leans forward slowly looking at Mr 
      Wabooba rather hard. Mr Wabooba leans forward rather 
      more quickly and they both kiss.) 

Mr W. 'Ah forgive you in de name of Fatty Waller de great 
      savious of ma people.' (He smiles) 

Rev.  Ai too am capable of compassion dear Wabooba - 
      and in the name of the Father, Sock and Micky 
      Most, I forgive you sweet brother. 
      (With that they clasp each other,in a brotherly way as if 
      forgetting they are still on camera.) 

Rev.  Have you ever been to Brighton dear Watooba? 

Mr W. 'Ah jes' got back sweet christian friend non de worse 
      for wearing.' (They get up glassy eyed and linking arms 
      slowly walk out of the studio to the very left proving 
      that arbitration is one answer to de prodlem.) 

    F A D E   O U T   O N   S U I T A B L E   C H R I S T I A N 

                         C A P T I O N S 

Linda forever, 
"Quand on veut un mouton, c'est preuve qu'on existe." 

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